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Written by Brent Hundley
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Saturday, 10 March 2007 |
Alcohol and philosophical insights often go together. There are some philosophies that I believe were formulated while the author was drunk. There are others which you have to be drunk to understand. However, on this occasion the insight came while I was sober, though I confess it all started with a comment by a bartender.
It began when a friend made the observation that “Happy Hour” in a bar never lasts just one hour. More commonly it runs for two to three hours. Do bartenders and patrons of bars not understand the commonly used measure of time? After doing extensive research in bars across this great nation of ours, I can confidently state that all and sundry do understand the concept of an hour being a measurement of time comprised of sixty minutes, those minutes each made up of sixty seconds. Even when someone “forgets the time” or “time got away” from them, all were agreed on the length of time known as an hour. Just as a side note, this was indeed legitimate research necessary for this article so all of those drink bills are a business expense and tax deductible.
If, then, everybody understands the concept of an hour, why is Happy Hour always longer than an hour? Is it an intentional conspiracy of club owners and bartenders? If it isn’t a mistake or conspiracy, then what has caused such a massive cultural understanding within our society?
As I contemplated these questions, I had a brainstorm. I swear, I only had one. It led me to a new understanding of both time and our country. To answer my questions, I needed to know the truth about daylight savings time.
I did what every red-blooded American would do when faced with a problem. I went to talk with my Senator, Kay Bailey Hutchison (R. Texas). Fortunately she has seniority and was glad to share some government secrets with me. It seems that the “great experiment” known as Prohibition had convinced the American government that Americans were serious about drinking. It came to be seen as a right that would be vigorously defended. Not only was it defended but voters were showing their ire towards politicians who didn’t get the message at the ballot box. Fearful politicians came up with a plan.
This plan had two parts. The first part was to show that the politicians were just as enamored of alcoholic beverages as the voters. Up to this point, none of the American politicians in the history of our country ever drank alcohol. (How do you think Prohibition could be enacted into law?) Now, for the first time, American politicians began to drink, showing solidarity with the voting public. (true story)
The second part of the plan revolved around the creation of a “happy hour” in local bars and taverns. While this turned out to be a success, an hour a day didn’t seem to be enough. This led to intensive, government-funded research into “stretching time”. After millions of dollars of well-spent tax dollars, scientists developed a way for happy hour in bars to last longer than an hour. They called their discovery, Daylight Savings Time. Through a process which Senator Hutchinson wouldn’t divulge to me, the government is able to take the time “saved” by the country being on daylight savings time and distributes it to the bars and taverns in our great nation. This process is so efficient that the country only needs to be on daylight savings time for part of the year. It allows for happy hour to last as long as three hours per day.
Once again we see how American ingenuity has made our country such a great place to live.
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Last Updated ( Friday, 16 March 2007 )
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