While traveling through the endless depths of the realm we call the “Internet”, I noticed a strange light calling me over. Yes – it actually called me over, and since lights don’t normally talk, I was inclined to do as I was told.

A little unnerved, I stepped into the light. I was afraid to open my eyes for a moment, so I kept them closed. I had a feeling I didn’t belong, but it was much too late. The warmth of the light had already enveloped me, and I could no longer hear the incessant chants ringing in my ears… “Click here! Click there! Little girl, do you want some Viagra? Would you like some corn with your porn?” It was too quiet. It wasn’t normal.

Wherever I was, it couldn’t be that bad, right? No one had offered me Viagra – yet. But what if this was a trick? What if a large smiley emoticon was crouching somewhere in the still, waiting for the right moment to jump out and startle me into screaming my credit card number? That was it. I had to leave. Without thinking twice, I turned around and ran with my arms flailing and eyes still closed.

Just ahead, I heard the familiar voices saying,  “Just $9.99! Diet pills! Prescription drugs from Canada! Secrets of eBay selling! Click here now!!” I knew I was close and made a wild dash for the finish line.

I was running, but the voices weren’t getting any closer. I slowed down to a jog. I had an eerie feeling that someone was grabbing the collar of my coat. I stopped altogether when I heard a giggle. Was I supposed to be scared?

“Look, Petunia” said a man’s voice. “What a cute little hamster, running like a dummy. Should we keep her?”

The giggle continued. “Nah, Jimmy… she’ll just eat all our acorns. Just throw her in the Trash Bin.  I’ll delete her later.”

I suddenly felt very warm. Fear and shock numbed my whole body. I tried to speak but words eluded me. A sudden jostle by this monster, this Jimmy, woke me up like a shot of Dr. Pepper laced with Red Bull and double espresso (which, in my opinion, would taste pretty bad).

“NO!” I shouted. “Please Mr. Jimmy, don’t delete me… I’m innocent, I swear it!”

I felt his grasp loosen on my collar. Shaking from head to toe, I slowly turned around to face this monster, Jimmy, and his friend, Petunia. I saw nothing but white then suddenly, I was standing face-to-face with a large squirrel. I screamed out of shock, but thank goodness, it wasn’t my credit card number.

“Ouch, my ears, you crazy hamster!!” said Jimmy, the squirrel. Behind him, I could see a female squirrel sitting in a recliner with a bucket of popped acorns and a book on her lap.

“Who are you?” I asked.

Jimmy smiled (or at least I thought he did.) “Welcome, Hamster. I’m Jimmy, the Greatest Alter Ego of Sir Brent Jimmy, and that lovely female there is Petunia, the Greatest Alter Ego of Lady Melody Petunia.” Petunia looked up from her reading and waved (or at least I thought she did).

“I’m Helene. It’s a pleasure to meet you,” I said with a sigh of relief. They seemed friendly enough. “But, you see, I’m not a hamster. I’m human.”

Jimmy and Petunia gave each other strange looks. I thought I saw a tear rolling down Petunia’s face. Jimmy’s gaze slowly returned to me, and Petunia’s eyes followed. After considering me for what felt like an eternity, Jimmy snortled. A tear leaked out from Petunia’s other eye.

“HAHAHAHA!” Jimmy burst out, slapping his knee. Petunia cried along with laughter, while I stood there, feeling stupid, wondering what I had said.

“Human, you s-say?” Petunia stuttered, somewhere in between laughing and crying.

“How can you call yourself human?” asked Jimmy, still r-o-t-f-l-h-f-a-o.

I was scared. What’s going on? Were they really going to delete me? Petunia must’ve read the confusion on my face and leveled her laughter down to a small giggle.

“Helene, darling,” said Petunia, wiping her eyes. “Just look at yourself.”

Confused, I looked down at my hands. OH MY GOD! Where did my hands go? I felt my stomach. It was round and furry. I screamed yet again, but still didn’t blurt out my credit card number. What was going on? Where was my body?

I had become a hamster. I really do hate crying, but this was one of those moments that qualified for a good cry. Weeping uncontrollably, I fell on my soft bottom and began to cry myself into oblivion.

Petunia walked over to comfort me. “There, there,” she said. “It’ll be alright. Being a hamster isn’t so bad, after all.”

“But Petunia, I’m not a hamster! I mean, I am now, but I wasn’t before I stepped into this… this place.” I stood up. “Wait. It’s this place… I stepped into this bright light, ended up here. I’m not a hamster! Before I came here, I was wearing my new coat from Macy’s and my sneakers from JCPenney.”

I paced around, excitedly (or at least I thought I did, maybe I galloped). “So when I get back to the other side, I’ll be human again! And I’ll be wearing my new coat and sneakers. Hell, those things cost a lot of money these days, so I’ll be glad to have them back! So that’s it.... I have to get back to the other side!”

I made a mad dash, but found myself lost. Where had I come from? It was all white. Blank. Nothingness.

“Helene, you can’t leave that way,” said Jimmy. “If you really want to leave, I’ll have to delete you, do a Google search, and click on a cached result to get you back to the Other Side, which is simple enough, I suppose…”

“But humans just don’t turn into hamsters. Or squirrels, for that matter,” said Petunia, wisely. “We enter the Internet, and we are who we are. I’m a squirrel. It’s what I’ve always been.”

“Petunia’s right,” said Jimmy, putting a paw on my shoulder. “You are a hamster – in the past, the present, and the future.”

It wasn’t right. It didn’t make any sense to me. “But Jimmy…” I whispered, tears in my eyes. “How could this be? I just went shopping. I bought new shoes and everything. Hamsters don’t shop, and they don’t need shoes!”

Jimmy rolled his eyes. “Trust me; Sir Brent Jimmy has a lot to say about animals wearing shoes. He’s researched it, in fact. But in any case, that isn’t the point. You are, indeed, human Offline. But here, you’re a hamster.” He led me towards a large tree which had appeared out of nowhere. There was a neat little symbol on the trunk. It looked familiar.

“This is the Tree of Knowledge. This symbol here is the Symbol of Truth,” said Jimmy, proudly. “And we are in the Realm of Knowing. Everything from this tree, all the way down to the castle, and over the plains… it’s all part of our realm.”

As he spoke, I could see the castle and plains forming out in the distance. I gasped. It was beautiful. “But Jimmy… what does this realm have to do with me?”

Petunia glanced over the other way. I turned around to see where I had come from. There was an obscure design of grayish light. As I looked deep into the gray, I realized that it was in the shape of the Symbol of Truth.

“Come with me,” said Petunia, taking my smallish paw, guiding me toward the gray light. As we came closer, I could faintly hear “Free avatars for your MySpace! Click here now! When is a diet pill worth $200 a bottle? When it works… but wait!! Click here and you can get it for free!”

Soon we were standing by the gray light. I could see the millions of “Click here” signs. To my astonishment, I saw little hamsters, squirrels, rats, snakes, and turtles, slowly circling around the signs.

Jimmy smiled. “You see, Helene, when we’re on the Internet, we are what we are. But we can’t see ourselves. We only see ourselves as what we want to be. Sometimes we’re male, pretending to be female, or vice-versa. Or we want ourselves to look like we have a bunch of friends, so we sign up for MySpace. But in the end, we are who we are. There’s no pretending.”

Suddenly, it all made sense. I was always a hamster online, crawling in between the Free Porn and eBay Scams. I just never got to see myself because I was having too much fun. Online, I get to be whatever I want, whether it’s editor-in-chief or shop-a-holic. And my voice is Times New Roman, size 8, purple… because I want it to be. But in the end, I am who I am… a Hamster. Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow.

“Helene, you’ve been blessed,” said Petunia. “Way back when, the Internet is as you see it here – full of knowledge, a true instrument of learning and sharing. But today, this is what the Internet has become.” She pointed towards the animals aimlessly walking about. “It’s lost. We have to truly dig deep to find the knowledge we desperately seek. And you found your way here, to the Realm of Knowing.”

I felt warm inside (and outside, too – my brown-and-white coat was super soft and warm). “Thank you, Petunia. And thank you, Jimmy,” I said, curtsying and bowing deep before them. “You have shown me the way. I am a hamster. I accept it. It is who I am.”

Petunia and Jimmy smiled at me. “Then you will understand what we ask of you.”

“Anything, your Squirrelinesses,” I said, bowing again.

“You must tell the others. Until you arrived, we didn’t understand the magnitude of the problem. We thought that these creatures wanted to be there, amidst signs of Viagra and Myspace. But you’ve shown us that most of them are ignorant in their innocence. They must know the truth,” said Jimmy, with a sigh.

“Helene, can you do this for us? Open the eyes of the blind and let them see the Symbol of Truth. You can make a difference.”

I looked down at the poor animals below, walking here and there, aloof and oblivious. For the first time, I realized that the signs weren’t cardboard – they were written on the backs of evil computer goblins, shouting "click here! click there!" Anger and pity filled my heart.

“I will,” I replied, looking back at the squirrels. “These creatures need my help.”

Petunia let out a delighted squeal, and Jimmy’s smile broadened. “Then go. Tell them the story of the Realm of Knowing.”

And so I did.