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Home  PSST! Pastafarians Unite!
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Pastafarians Unite! |
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Written by Brent Hundley
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Thursday, 05 October 2006 |
(Note to Readers: The following is semi-serious satirical reality. It has no intent to offend anyone unless, of course, you are actually guilty of suppression, oppression, and repression.)
OUR TIME HAS COME
In recent years, there has been much debate concerning Intelligent Design. Many have accused conservative and evangelical Christians of using this as a ploy to force Christianity to be taught in American schools. Those who are advocating the teaching of ID in the schools assure us that this is not the case. (Pssst! If you want anyone to actually believe this, you shouldn't attack Bobby Henderson and the Flying Spaghetti Monster stating that they are mocking Jesus and Christianity. It blows the cover on the fact that your spokesmen are lying and that this is indeed a case of attempting to make Christianity the state religion.)
We will examine the motives of these so-called Christians in a moment. First, I must claim that I am all in favor of the teaching of ID. This movement may have originated with Christians, believing that they have found a way to circumvent the Constitution of the United States. I say that they have been touched by His Noodly Appendage. Indeed, the Flying Spaghetti Monster works in mysterious ways.
If Intelligent Design is allowed into our schools, the truth may finally be revealed to a generation who has lived in darkness. Finally, a scientific and logic based approach to creation and our place within will be taught. After years of persecution and suppression, the reality of the Flying Spaghetti Monster may finally be presented.
Keep an open mind then while I present some evidence.
Now most people think of pirates as blood-thirsty killers with loose morals. While the loose morals may be true, the rest is just slanderous. Consider a few things. Most pirate activity has been concentrated along the western Alantic Ocean and in the Carribean. These areas are surrounding by Christian nations. For hundreds of years pirates have hunted down and killed. It has now reached the point where pirates have been almost completely exterminated from the oceans of the world.
During this decline in the number of pirates, there has been a corresponding rise in global warming. This is hard science. Scientists around the world have years of data and proof that the world's temperature is rising. Yet when has a Christian ever admitted that the pirates are the chosen people of the FSM? When has a Christian ever told you about the revelation by the FSM that global warming is caused by the decline in the number of pirates? Christians are the ones who have slandered pirates with being bloodthirsty killers. Christians are the ones who put the FSM's people to death. Christians are the ones who persecute the tenets of the Pastafarian faith.
Pastafarians believe that Heaven has a beer volcano and a stripper factory. Yet who is it that persecutes the Pastafarian sacraments? It was Christians who brought us Prohibition in an attempt to outlaw our worship. Christians are the ones who picket strip clubs where the faithful are just trying for a glimpse of Heaven. Even when a member of the First United Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster attempts to eat a meal of the holy pasta, we are ridiculed by the words of Atkins and South Beach.
Yet the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a loving creator. He wants us all to live in peace and harmony with each other. Why, it's OK with the FSM if a Pastafarian is a Christian, Jew, Hindu or follower of any other religion. For being all-powerful our creator is very humble and easy going. By a gentle touch of His noodly appendage, He is making it possible for the youth of America to finally learn the truth about Him. We, as Pastafarians, are confident when our position and views are presented in a logical and scientific manner, people will come to the truth willingly. |
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