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Home  PSST! PSST!
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Written by Jimmy
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Tuesday, 02 October 2007 |
Just as I opened the office door, I sensed something behind me. I turned my head and that’s when I saw him. He was pulling a gun out of his pants. I rushed into the office and tried to slam the door, but I wasn’t fast enough. There was a foot keeping the door from shutting and a pistol pointed at my heart. “Open up or I’ll shoot you.” He said. I let go of the door and took a few steps back, the gun advancing with each step I took. In the bored tone of a person ordering coffee, he gave me the command “Open the safe and give me all the money.”
I was trapped in an office, alone, with a gunman who had already twice threatened to shoot me. Nobody in the store had any idea what was taking place. So of course, my first thought was “Is this a real gun?” Coming to my senses, I realized that I wasn’t going to bet my life for something like money, especially money that wasn’t even mine. These thoughts flashed through my mind in what seemed less than a second of time. Without a word, I got down on my knees and opened the safe. “Give me all the money or I’ll shoot you,” the thief said again.
At this point I didn’t know if I would live long enough to ever stand up again. I was looking at the barrel of a gun from about a foot away. I reached into the safe and gathered all of the bills together, handing them to my assailant. He stuck the bills into his pocket. “Don’t try to follow me or I’ll shoot you.” With those words the robber disappeared out the door. I grabbed the phone on my desk and called 911. I reported the robbery, and the 911 operator kept me on the line until the police arrived. That’s when the employees knew what had happened.
As I reflect upon the experience, there are a few observations and statements that I’d like to make to my assailant. First off, you don’t have to keep telling me that you’ll shoot me. If I let you into the office and open the safe, then I really believe that you will shoot me. Second, you don’t have to threaten me to give you the money. If I’ve opened the safe, it’s a good bet the money is coming out. “No, you can’t have the money. I just opened the safe to taunt you.” That isn’t what I was thinking at the time. The third observation should be pretty obvious. If I opened the safe and give you the money, you don’t have to worry about my following you. I want you to be as far away from me as possible. As the mantra you kept repeating said “I will shoot you”, that’s a pretty good guarantee that I don’t want to be near you.
I also learned that fear and stress helps sharpen your focus. From looking at the barrel of a gun, I was able to give the police a description of the weapon that told them exactly what weapon it was. (It was a Glock 9mm semi-automatic pistol.)
Truth to be told, at the time I was already going through a personally stressful time and was faced with the thoughts of whether life was really worth living. When a gun is pointed at your heart, you find the ability to answer that question very quickly. |
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Last Updated ( Tuesday, 02 October 2007 )
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Written by Brent Hundley
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Saturday, 10 March 2007 |
Alcohol and philosophical insights often go together. There are some philosophies that I believe were formulated while the author was drunk. There are others which you have to be drunk to understand. However, on this occasion the insight came while I was sober, though I confess it all started with a comment by a bartender.
It began when a friend made the observation that “Happy Hour” in a bar never lasts just one hour. More commonly it runs for two to three hours. Do bartenders and patrons of bars not understand the commonly used measure of time? After doing extensive research in bars across this great nation of ours, I can confidently state that all and sundry do understand the concept of an hour being a measurement of time comprised of sixty minutes, those minutes each made up of sixty seconds. Even when someone “forgets the time” or “time got away” from them, all were agreed on the length of time known as an hour. Just as a side note, this was indeed legitimate research necessary for this article so all of those drink bills are a business expense and tax deductible.
If, then, everybody understands the concept of an hour, why is Happy Hour always longer than an hour? Is it an intentional conspiracy of club owners and bartenders? If it isn’t a mistake or conspiracy, then what has caused such a massive cultural understanding within our society?
As I contemplated these questions, I had a brainstorm. I swear, I only had one. It led me to a new understanding of both time and our country. To answer my questions, I needed to know the truth about daylight savings time.
I did what every red-blooded American would do when faced with a problem. I went to talk with my Senator, Kay Bailey Hutchison (R. Texas). Fortunately she has seniority and was glad to share some government secrets with me. It seems that the “great experiment” known as Prohibition had convinced the American government that Americans were serious about drinking. It came to be seen as a right that would be vigorously defended. Not only was it defended but voters were showing their ire towards politicians who didn’t get the message at the ballot box. Fearful politicians came up with a plan.
This plan had two parts. The first part was to show that the politicians were just as enamored of alcoholic beverages as the voters. Up to this point, none of the American politicians in the history of our country ever drank alcohol. (How do you think Prohibition could be enacted into law?) Now, for the first time, American politicians began to drink, showing solidarity with the voting public. (true story)
The second part of the plan revolved around the creation of a “happy hour” in local bars and taverns. While this turned out to be a success, an hour a day didn’t seem to be enough. This led to intensive, government-funded research into “stretching time”. After millions of dollars of well-spent tax dollars, scientists developed a way for happy hour in bars to last longer than an hour. They called their discovery, Daylight Savings Time. Through a process which Senator Hutchinson wouldn’t divulge to me, the government is able to take the time “saved” by the country being on daylight savings time and distributes it to the bars and taverns in our great nation. This process is so efficient that the country only needs to be on daylight savings time for part of the year. It allows for happy hour to last as long as three hours per day.
Once again we see how American ingenuity has made our country such a great place to live. |
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Last Updated ( Friday, 16 March 2007 )
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Written by Jimmy
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Tuesday, 06 February 2007 |
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It all began with a Christmas present... |
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Last Updated ( Friday, 09 February 2007 )
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Written by Jimmy
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Sunday, 19 November 2006 |
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Imagine if you will, that you are on a luxury cruise ship and having the time of your life. Gourmet meals, dressing for dinner, witty conversation where you are the one with wit, dancing. Yes, this is the cruise pictured in countless movies, and you have the lead. |
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Last Updated ( Sunday, 19 November 2006 )
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Written by Helene the Hamster
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Thursday, 19 October 2006 |
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'Round and 'round, endlessly trapped on the Wheel of Life, runs a little hamster....... |
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Last Updated ( Thursday, 19 October 2006 )
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