Re:Poem for feedback - 06/28/2007This poem abandons meter--but not to its detriment.
As a rule, I will read a poem twice forward. The first time, I try to soak up the essence of the words. The second pass is for the details I missed. Then, I read it backward. Reading a poem forward will not as easily reveal gaps in thought. But, reading it backward, they stand out like throbbing thumbs. To me, at least.
However, this poem had no gaps I could find. I think it is an anomaly in that right.
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apostrophe
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Re:Poem for feedback - 05/31/2007I did like the "flow" of this one as well.
The evolution line was lost on me, however... both in its meaning within the poem's larger context and seeming not to quite fit the rest of the imagery... owing to the word "evolution" having such a scientific connotation at this point in our collective consciousness, I suppose (?)
The rest of the poem has a dark and passionate texture, and a slight edginess as the feeling of loss of control inherent to floods and tides becomes tangible.
Nice one.
Post edited by: apostrophe, at: 06/01/2007
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gfralin
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Re:Poem for feedback - 09/01/2006I like the way this is worded and the lack of punctuation tends to move it along at a fast clip like a flood would in a lot of cases. I think maybe a comma here or there to emphasise important passages or phrases would help the poem and the reader.
Other than that I think its a great poem.
The only other thing I might suggest right now is to reword or shorten the title. But, others may feel the title adds to the poem itself. So, I'm just giving one opinion.
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Robert the Bard
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Re:Poem for feedback - 08/31/2006I like it, and I get the flow. Water isn't a constant. It ebbs and flows according to whatever may be in it's path. While I'm not sure this is intended in the work, I'm left with the impression of water both giving life, and bringing about destruction. As I said though, I'm not sure where I get this, or if it's even intended. Overall, I like it, and it makes one think. Good work.
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antryg
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Re:Poem for feedback - 08/31/2006Right now I can only give first impressions from my first two readings of your work. First, the things that caught my mind and imagination. The imagery is very good. My minds eye could see the movement of water from room to room, climbing up clothes and walls. There is a wealth of detail which carries the poem.
On the downside, even reading it aloud, I haven't figured out the flow of the words (no pun intended). With the visual imagery of moving water, I would expect there to be a flow to the poem to match. That may just be my expectations and not what you intended. I'm also unsure of what position the reader takes. Are we an observer, dispationately watching an event unfold? On the other hand I could see where the reader is being invited to join with "the dreamer" of the poem.
Of course these are just my impressions, hopefully they will help. I'm not sure that my viewpoint is considered by most here as "normal".
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SylvrFlwr
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Poem for feedback - 08/31/2006Submergence or Night Collide
Discard the day water still rushes in the dead of night listen the faucet is left on again uninhibited floods saturating flattening plush carpet the dreamer is awake somewhere a puddle of fancied sensation colorless in the dark tempest in motion stretching toward evolution veiled eye shallow breath deluge does not hesitate cannot decelerate or stay or stop its creep under doorways licking and sliding up the pressed hem of closet dresses waiting wear waiting ripples of slumber rise and fall echoing into warping walls submissive submerged
Jennifer
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