Re:Help needed with poem - 06/28/2007Okay. Here goes
I found it uncomfortable that you mix good/contemporary grammar with questionable/archaic grammar. I'm told, consistency seems to be the mark of all the best poets.
The phrase "with this do not share" is a rather archaic way of saying "do not share this". That's fine--quaint, even--but you step out of archaic and back into it so frequently that it feels... forced. Almost like you're trying to be lofty but can't stay there. For instance, you say:
I sorrow that such a shabby gift
Here, you're mixing the archaic "I sorrow" with a contemporary word--"shabby". This seems a violation on some level I can't grasp. I just know it reads uncomfortably because of this issue. Sort of on the level of:
Romeo! Romeo! Wherefore are you, Romeo?
About archaic vs. contemporary: It's possible you meant to do this as a style mechanism. You know, "poetic license" and all. If this is the case, it escaped its subtlety and appeared unintentional to me, effectively revoking your license. Whoa. That was funny. To me, anyway. Heh.
What kind of love shares trouble
Sorry. I just didn't get this line.
If it's any consolation, many famous poets are known to have worked on a single line for a decade or more. Well, I guess that could be disheartening, but you're in good company, at least!
And, yes, it truly is a good piece--even if you changed nothing about it. I felt the emotion. That counts for something in today's world of Internet and gangsta speak.
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apostrophe
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Re:Help needed with poem - 05/31/2007antryg wrote: I need honest comments about this poem, entitled Danny's Lament. I've rewritten it about 5 times in the past 2 months. Tell me what you like, don't like and/or don't understand. I need some outside perspective to help me.
I’ve stolen the sound of the ocean from the depths of a sand swept shell And in it’s place I have hidden pale echoes of my anguish and pain
Tell nobody, with this do not share This dubious secret I gift to you All my trust, heart and soul is there
I sorrow that such a shabby gift Is all that my strength will bear What kind of love shares trouble Tell nobody, with this do not share
Yet you alone do I trust and love Sharing all the hidden me found within Pale echoes of anguish and pain
Back to the poem...
The first two lines are exquisite, some fine poetry. The third line of that stanza, while expressing something heartwrenchingly lovely, does not scan as well as the first two lines but could be smoothed easily enough.
I love how that whole stanza so beautifully captures yet almost resists the mind, the way Wallace Stevens said poetry should.
The "tell nobody" stanza reads like a refrain of sorts, not just because it rhymes but because it grounds the poem and draws us in. And it's lovely, darkly romantic and disconsolate -- all good stuff!
But then instead of using it as a proper refrain, you chop it up and repeat only the first line of it in the third stanza... also... and this is the bigger issue: you put it at a place where you've started a thought that you fail to finish.
I wonder if taking out the "Tell nobody" line in that third stanza, replacing it with, if not a rhetorical answer to your rhetorical question ; ) at least a deepening of the thought you've started. THEN go back to that couplet-ish thing that I'm calling the refrain, repeating it in full. It almost seems like you are wanting to repeat it anyway.
Just for balance the fourth stanza should probably have four lines. It ends abruptly and without a full thought or resolution.
Don't take any of this to mean I don't like your poem, by the way! It is beautiful, and I wouldn't have bothered if I didn't like it! With the title Danny's Lament, I can almost hear it being sung with a sorrowful ancient Celtic tune.
Cheers -- to your poetic mind
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ameliajane81
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Re:Help needed with poem - 09/25/2006Don't worry, Robert, so am I. But I don't like to use the term 'confused'. I prefer 'absent-minded genius'.
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Robert the Bard
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Re:Help needed with poem - 09/25/2006ameliajane81 wrote: There was a spelling mistake in my critique, so I posted an apology, and then I found the edit function and fixed it so now I have to edit my apology since there is nothing to apologise for.
The perfect crime...
Almost <br><br>Post edited by: ameliajane81, at: 09/23/2006
I'm so confused...
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helene
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Re:Help needed with poem - 09/23/2006Great critique, AJ! And yes, Melody... you're right. AJ will fit right in with the gang!
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ameliajane81
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Re:Help needed with poem - 09/23/2006No worries at all. I think I might try to write a bit of poetry to get a better understanding of it. Apparently, writing poetry can really improve prose writing because it's so much more precise, no room for errors.
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antryg
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Re:Help needed with poem - 09/23/2006ameliajane81 wrote: Before I provide feedback, I need to make it clear that I am no expert when it comes to poetry and any advice given is based purely on gut instinct.
Firstly, I really liked the poem. Very evocative. It had a beautiful flow to it and conjoured imagery with ease. I could actually hear the sea in it.
I think I know what you're talking about with the difference between the two stanzas. The alliteration in the second line of the first stanza helps it flow, and the s s s adds to the "sound" of the sea. I think if you could put a similar alliteration in the second stanza, it would help it flow and tie the two together (eg/ change "Is all that my strength will bear" to "Is all that my strength shall sustain" or something along those lines - no pun intended).
Like I said, I'm no expert on poetry and have never really written anything myself so am unaware of the intricacies involved. This may be an overly simplistic solution!
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FalconDance
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Re:Help needed with poem - 09/23/2006Oh my, Amelia, sounds like you're gonna fit right in here .
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ameliajane81
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Re:Help needed with poem - 09/23/2006There was a spelling mistake in my critique, so I posted an apology, and then I found the edit function and fixed it so now I have to edit my apology since there is nothing to apologise for.
The perfect crime...
Almost
Post edited by: ameliajane81, at: 09/23/2006
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ameliajane81
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Re:Help needed with poem - 09/23/2006Before I provide feedback, I need to make it clear that I am no expert when it comes to poetry and any advice given is based purely on gut instinct.
Firstly, I really liked the poem. Very evocative. It had a beautiful flow to it and conjoured imagery with ease. I could actually hear the sea in it.
I think I know what you're talking about with the difference between the two stanzas. The alliteration in the second line of the first stanza helps it flow, and the s s s adds to the "sound" of the sea. I think if you could put a similar alliteration in the second stanza, it would help it flow and tie the two together (eg/ change "Is all that my strength will bear" to "Is all that my strength shall sustain" or something along those lines - no pun intended).
Like I said, I'm no expert on poetry and have never really written anything myself so am unaware of the intricacies involved. This may be an overly simplistic solution!
Post edited by: ameliajane81, at: 09/23/2006
Post edited by: ameliajane81, at: 09/23/2006
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antryg
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Re:Help needed with poem - 08/18/2006My, helene, I truly appreciate such a hearfelt and accurate critique. It's good to know I can depend upon you for help. Maybe you could read this haiku that I wrote. It's about rolling eyes.
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helene
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Re:Help needed with poem - 08/18/2006 Ok. FINE. I'll say what you want us to say.... It's the worst poem in the whole world! in fact, I can't think of a crappier poem. Now go wallow in your misery like the 6 year old you are and eat your pea soup and ice cream, all in the same bowl.
*rolls eyes at antryg*
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Forum 
<br><br>Post edited by: ameliajane81, at: 09/23/2006
Ok. FINE. I'll say what you want us to say.... It's the worst poem in the whole world! in fact, I can't think of a crappier poem. Now go wallow in your misery like the 6 year old you are and eat your pea soup and ice cream, all in the same bowl.