WordTickler
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Re:Help needed with poem - 06/28/2007
Okay. Here goes
I found it uncomfortable that you mix good/contemporary grammar with questionable/archaic grammar. I'm told, consistency seems to be the mark of all the best poets.
The phrase "with this do not share" is a rather archaic way of saying "do not share this". That's fine--quaint, even--but you step out of archaic and back into it so frequently that it feels... forced. Almost like you're trying to be lofty but can't stay there. For instance, you say:
I sorrow that such a shabby gift
Here, you're mixing the archaic "I sorrow" with a contemporary word--"shabby". This seems a violation on some level I can't grasp. I just know it reads uncomfortably because of this issue. Sort of on the level of:
Romeo! Romeo! Wherefore are you, Romeo?
About archaic vs. contemporary: It's possible you meant to do this as a style mechanism. You know, "poetic license" and all. If this is the case, it escaped its subtlety and appeared unintentional to me, effectively revoking your license. Whoa. That was funny. To me, anyway. Heh.
What kind of love shares trouble
Sorry. I just didn't get this line.
If it's any consolation, many famous poets are known to have worked on a single line for a decade or more. Well, I guess that could be disheartening, but you're in good company, at least!
And, yes, it truly is a good piece--even if you changed nothing about it. I felt the emotion. That counts for something in today's world of Internet and gangsta speak.
My Best,
-= WordTickler =-
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Post edited by: WordTickler, at: 06/28/2007
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