WordTickler
User
Expert Boarder
| Posts: 24 |   |
Karma: 0
|
Re:Article for critique - 06/28/2007
gfralin wrote:
Then they will go back and read it and find something...
It seems to read tighter if you were to say:
Then, they will go back, read it, and find something...
It is called a focused free write.
People tend to cry foul at a passive sentence without elaborating as to why passiveness might not be appropriate. This tends to frustrate writers to--no end. I'm going to try to elaborate a bit, here.
Passiveness often robs us of information. This is one reason it is regularly frowned upon. However, there are times when a writer is purposely hiding information to avoid hitting the reader over the head with something or to draw out a plot line. This doesn't seem like one of those times.
In fact, I'm thinking I'd like to know who calls it "free write" rather than be kept in the dark. Passiveness doesn't seem to help here so I'd opt for more information by removing the passiveness. Maybe "John calls it free write", or "society calls it free write" or even "scholars call it free write"--whatever the case may be.
In a focused free write you may write...
Wouldn't a comma between "write" and "you" be appropriate here?
Then, I will go back and read it and decide...
My first suggestion applies here, as well.
These are both valid and valuable exercises that writers use to gain ideas and break out of writer’s block.
This sentence seems a bit wordy to me. Is there no way to break it up into its constituent parts for better readability? Perhaps removing the "that" reads better.
Also, I believe it would be more appropriate to refer to it as "writers' block" since you are not talking about the block occurring in a single writer. Plural possessive seems to be the true situation. It affects many. Just my take.
when the reply comes asking...
Not to be too nit-picky but, replies don't come asking. People do. Could you change this to be more accurate, in that sense?
We see it clearly because it is clear to us and us only.
I see a couple of things, here. First, I believe there should be a comma after "clearly". Before you do that, consider this: you have "clear" twice in this sentence, albeit in two different forms of the word. Consider finding another word for either "clearly" or "clear" to remove the repetition from the sentence.
Also, I would strongly consider changing the trailing "us and us only" to "us alone". Some would say "us, alone" would be even better.
Overall:
Have you considered not using contractions like "don't" and "it's"? This slips your prose into more informal character. If you decide to use contractions, check your work to ensure that you are at least consistent in their use--you know, avoid using "do not" over here and "don't" over there. Pick one. I didn't check. Sorry. Just an observation.
This is a powerful bit of writing. I've learned from simply critiquing it. Thank you for that.
-= WordTickler =-
http://wordticklers.com/forums/
|
Forum 
