ameliajane81
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Re:Dust - 10/03/2006
I’ve finally gotten around to writing this critique! Sorry, have had a manic week at work and wanted to give this my full attention so it’s taken a while.
I really like the story – I love the idea of the dust storm, especially since it is something very foreign to my own life experience. The dust storm means Theresa is effectively blinded (therefore has to rely on her other senses) and is whirled up into a state of confusion; all of which you effectively convey to the reader. The story is compelling and moves at a good pace. Your style is quite direct and lacks melodrama – these qualities add to the believability of the story, and enable the reader to better identify with the characters. I also like the way the story ends, with the little twist of Theresa's guilt.
The only part of the story that left me wanting more was the scene in the hospital with Theresa and Mrs Wirth. I felt this was a crucial lead up to Theresa’s tragic secret. If that scene were to be expanded on, if the manifestations of the two women’s emotions (their facial expressions, their visceral reactions, their thoughts) were to be explored a bit more, it would add to the impact of the ending. However, this is only my opinion!
Now for the nitty gritty  :
· First line: draught should be drought
· End of first paragraph: (starts: Oh well it was), there should be a comma after ‘Oh well’
· First line of second paragraph: (starting: wind blew dust across the road) this sentence is a bit confusing, especially with the word ‘dust’ repeated.
· About 12 paragraphs in: (starts: All three for now) should have commas after ‘three’ and after ‘least’.
· Don’t know how many paragraphs! Scene where Theresa is on the phone to emergency services: (starts: Yes she was breathing), tense changes in this sentence with ‘and her leg *is* bleeding.
· Scene where Theresa is talking to paramedic: (sentence starts: She felt every word catching), this sentence is a little bit confusing, and ‘word’ is repeated
· Scene where police officer is talking to Theresa: (begins: “Place your head) there should be a comma after ‘bit’ and a lower case ‘h’ for He commanded.
· A bit further down: (starts: “My husband works) inverted commas missing from the end of that sentence.
· Scene where Theresa is talking to her husband in the hospital: (starts “No, I didn’t think about it) inverted comma should be after ‘it’, not after ‘traumatic situation’
· Next line down: (starts: “Do you think) there is a superfluous set of inverted commas between ‘for you. It’s going’
· Scene where Theresa takes the pills: (sentence starts: “I ask them), that ‘ask’ should be asked.
· Next paragraph: (sentence starts: “We called the girls) that ‘girls’ should be girl’s.
· Scene where Theresa is talking to police again: (sentence starts: The cars weight), that ‘cars’ should be car’s.
All of the above corrections are in order, I hope they’re easy enough to find with my explanations! I have probably missed a few things and I was only taught the bare bones of grammar in school (grammar education in Australia is appalling), so my grammar ain’t perfect by any means…
Congratulations once again on a great story. 
I hope this has been helpful!
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