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Robert the Bard
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Click here to see the profile of this user 		Re:Help needed with poem - 08/17/2006 we are our own worst critics. I don't see the problem with it. Life is full of little jumps like that, and I just assumed that the idea was to have the shell keep the secret, whether metaphoricly, or other wise.
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antryg
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Click here to see the profile of this user 		Re:Help needed with poem - 08/16/2006 Robert the Bard wrote:
I don't see any problems with it. I liked it.

Here's the problem that I see. I feel like there is a "gap" between the first stanza and the rest of the poem. I feel like the 2nd stanza on flows seamlessly but there is a jarring "something different" between the 1st stanza and the rest of the poem. Now that I point out my objection, do you see a problem?
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Robert the Bard
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Click here to see the profile of this user 		Re:Help needed with poem - 08/16/2006 I don't see any problems with it. I liked it.
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helene
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Click here to see the profile of this user 		Re:Help needed with poem - 08/05/2006 I like it. I really like the way the words flow so well together. It does make me wonder what causes so much anguish and pain - but at the same time, it's easy to see that the point of the poem is more based more on unconditional trust than the cause of pain. It's a gift from the heart, one that can't be bought. That's what I like about the poem: you can learn your own lesson and form your own conclusion. Overall, well written.
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antryg
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Click here to see the profile of this user 		Help needed with poem - 08/02/2006 I need honest comments about this poem, entitled Danny's Lament. I've rewritten it about 5 times in the past 2 months. Tell me what you like, don't like and/or don't understand. I need some outside perspective to help me.

I’ve stolen the sound of the ocean
from the depths of a sand swept shell
And in it’s place I have hidden
pale echoes of my anguish and pain

Tell nobody, with this do not share
This dubious secret I gift to you
All my trust, heart and soul is there

I sorrow that such a shabby gift
Is all that my strength will bear
What kind of love shares trouble
Tell nobody, with this do not share

Yet you alone do I trust and love
Sharing all the hidden me found within
Pale echoes of anguish and pain
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Boardwalk :: Forum List The Write Spot Rate, Review, Critique!