Re:prophet of vision - 06/28/2007My words spread and infect minds like wildfire
From a reader's perspective, I believe I'd feel more comfortable if you were to switch "spread" with "infect minds", here. The reason I say this is that wildfire does not infect, so to say "infect minds like wildfire" is giving the simile the wrong emphasis. However, saying "spread like wildfire" seems more in keeping with the purpose for the simile. Try it as:
My words infect minds and spread like wildfire
Your brilliance still shows through. It's just clearer this way.
Illuminatin any and all desires,
Did you drop the "g" from the end of "illuminatin" on purpose? If you did, and were trying to use the word as slang, it is usually appropriate to place an apostrophe where the missing letter should be. In essence, illuminatin' would be better. The same falls true for "Spreadin", "allowin" and "appealin". Slang is an important part of our culture. Identifying it as such with punctuation is equally as important.
When we move into this form of prose, I find it hard to know whether the author has purposefully misspelled words or not. "Cuz" is obviously important in its misspelled state in that it conveys the "arms across the chest defiance" pervading this work. But Ill is just uncomfortable for me. It is bastardizing the word ill (sick) and abandoning proper grammar to the tune of one deeper step into casualness--not just a contraction in place of proper words, a malformed contraction, at that.
The use of "tha" for "the" seems purposeful, as it follows popular Internet-speak, but I'm guessing the missing "l" from the end of "instil" is just an oversight, right?
Lastly, the final word in this piece is "to". I believe, since you're trying to say "also", it should be "too".
Deep prose. Well done, even though this played hell with my spell-checker.
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apostrophe
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Re:prophet of vision - 06/01/2007Yeah, definitely feels like hip/hop, esp. when you do the read-out-loud thing. The buildup is great, ever shortening lines for more impact.
While you're changing the aforementioned "heel," I believe the final word, "TO," should be "TOO." Maybe these are just picky points for a poem that is clearly intended as an oral experience. I won't even mention punctuation.
The message sounds religious. Christian rap? Buddhist rap?
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antryg
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Re:prophet of vision - 08/19/2006I'm assuming that this is a rap or free form poem. That's why I moved it here from nonfiction. While the emotions may be true, it doesn't fit the traditional view of nonfiction writing. Now, that's enough housekeeping.
I really like the flow that this builds up. It immediately taps in and draws a strong emotional connection. I think that would only be enhanced if it was heard rather than read. I'd especially like to hear it with a beat.
The only thing that I was unsure of is the phrase "forgive and heel". I'm thinking you mean forgive and heal, which is consistent with the positive message of the poem.
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poetiks
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prophet of vision - 08/16/2006My words spread and infect minds like wildfire, Illuminatin any and all desires, Spreadin inspiration to tha weak and tired, I try hard to enlighten ones soul and unleash What lies inside, Ill teach you how to break down and decipher Tha world and call its lies, Ill instil tha skills needed to forgive and heel, allowin you To see past tha fake and keep it real, Now if this sounds appealin, Its cuz its true, Im tryin to reach YOU TO.
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